I’ve been self-medicating myself for the better part of the last decade. I think I went overboard though ’cause the lethargy, and complacence with my unhappiness, and lack of motivation were keeping me tethered to the same routine. (I started to feel like I was seeing the future, but it was only ’cause I repeated the routine so often) The paranoia didn’t help either. lol It made me feel very isolated and not wanting to go out and do things and I became happy just staying in my room for long stretches of time surfing the internet, playing videogames, jerking off, and LOTS of sleeping. Far far too much sleeping. I realized that rather than being recreational it had become habitual and that I was content doing the same things again and again. I still really love marijuana, but I use it as a treat to myself when I need it. Ritalin has given me energy and focus and motivation and I no longer feel confined to the inside of my head. I realized that I’m almost 30 and that the last 7 years have been repeating a kind of loop of denial and escapism. My problems were always there when I came down and it made me feel worse and more guilty for trying to avoid my life so I’d wanna get high again. Anything can be abused, be it alcohol, food, emotional relationships, if you aren’t mindful of the way one uses it. (as an aside, I really think that all drugs should be decriminalized and that drug addiction or substance abuse should be treated as a public health problem and not a criminal problem. Just my thoughts, not going to expand on it more, just thought I’d insert a point into this long rant) I guess, the purpose of my fourth self (the last 7 years) has been about that search for meaning and purpose I thought I needed. I was looking outwardly, and inwardly, and experimenting with a lot of different things in my search. Although, now being 28 (at the start of my 5th self that will continue for the next 7 years) I want this 5th me to find purpose in just being and in experiencing life, in being mindful, and being accepting of the way things are and not trying to change others to agree with my point of view, but to assist others in becoming their best selves, whatever that looks like. I was mad at others for trying to shape me into who they wanted me to be, but (at the time) I didn’t see that I was doing that very same thing to others. I understand now that they held a different (not wrong, but different) perception of reality than my own. Instead of trying to change people, I want to accept people, and entertain their ideas as ideas. Try to be empathetic. Try to be kind and understanding. But most of all I need to stop feeling judging and to acknowledge that others will think differently and that it’s those differences that allow us that opportunity for profound awareness of things others may miss because they’re viewing existence through a prism too similar to those around them. Basically if we’re all wearing red tinted glasses why would anyone think that the sky is anything but light purple? We need those people who aren’t wearing glasses to assist us in a greater awareness of objective reality. …… okay, I’m done. That’s my long stream of consciousness rant. Thanks for listening.
Leaving the 4th Self and Embracing my 5th