Revised Creative Writing Script

Changed up my Creative Writing Script.  Should make more sense, be (hopefully) less cliched and more intense.  Let me know what you think.

FADE IN:

INT. CORPORTATE OFFICE BUILDING — NIGHT

KARA, 28, rummages around in the dark office holding a FLASHLIGHT. OWEN, 29, enters the room and stands in the doorway. Kara doesn’t notice him, until he shines his FLASHLIGHT on her.

OWEN
What are you doing?

KARA
Holy shit! Owen, is that you?  You scared me.

OWEN
What are you doing?

KARA
I … uh …

OWEN
It’s 2am.  What are you doing here?

Kara moves towards Owen and tries to wrap her arms around him but he pushes her away.

OWEN
Kara.

KARA
Just looking for a file I can’t for the life of me find.

OWEN
In the dark? With a flashlight? What are you looking for?

KARA
What are you doing back at the office this late?

Owen turns on the LIGHT.  The whole room is trashed.  Manila folders are strewn about the room and all of the drawers are emptied.  A FILING CABINET behind Kara has all its drawers ajar and the files are lying around it on the ground.

OWEN
How did you open the filing cabinet?

KARA
I picked the lock.

OWEN
Why? What file were you looking for?

Kara takes out a GUN an aims it at Owen.

KARA
I know you know where it is.

OWEN
Where what is?

KARA
Really? You’re going to do this when I’m pointing a gun at you?

Owen stares at Kara.  She CLICKS the hammer back.

OWEN
It isn’t here.

KARA
Where is it?

OWEN
So this is what it was always about.  Chicago, Minneapolis, it was all about this?

KARA
Come on. It was fun but it was business.  It was always just business.

OWEN
It wasn’t to me.

KARA
You’re sweet.  Naive, but sweet.

OWEN
You don’t have to do this.

KARA
Yes I do.

The side door opens and a CLEANING WOMAN wearing headphones and pushing a cart with cleaning supplies ENTERS.  You can hear muted MUSIC through the headphones.  Kara looks over at the Cleaning Woman and there’s a moment where the cleaning woman looks up, notices Owen and Kara and then notices the gun that Kara is holding and drops the cleaning supplies in her hand. Owen takes out his own GUN tucked into the back of his pants and SHOOTS both Kara and the Cleaning Woman.  Owen moves over to close Kara’s open EYES.

OWEN
No you didn’t.

Owen looks over at the Cleaning Person.

OWEN
Thank you, Miss! I owe you one.

Owen takes out his CELLPHONE and dials a number.

OWEN
Yah, I need a cleaner at the Crestmark Office Building on Seventy-Five Dorchester, Office Three-One-Two.
(beat)
Yah, two of ‘em.

Looks down at Kara’s limp body as it leaks blood into the carpet.

OWEN
No you didn’t.

FADE OUT:

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